Bark With No Bite

There is a version of myself that I'd like to become. The only problem is, she exists only in my fantasies. She is confident and level - headed. She commands authority just by walking and she always makes the right calls. She's spiritual, smart, successful, (and sexy.) And most of all, she loves a challenge.

Then there's me. The real, boring, introverted, cowardly shell of a dreamer. I chanced upon an opportunity to do what I do everyday-- talk, only it was in front of a lot of people. And for a while I was pumping with excitement. Already, I was getting ahead of myself, the way I always do. My mind created this brand new world starring me, whose undiscovered potential suddenly decided wake up one morning and kick ass.

It lasted about an hour.

When the adrenaline died and I returned from the gush of utter happiness, reality kicked in. Self- doubt took over. Cowardice grabbed the wheel. And fear was calling the shots. Like an unsuspecting target shot at point blank range, it hit me. There is no undiscovered potential. There is no other version of myself just waiting for a chance to come out. There is only me. There is only a girl who can talk about her dreams, but cannot chase them.

When push came to shove, I backed down. And I don't understand why. I regret it a bit, but the regret won't kill me. Nothing will change. I will, as I have always done, merely exist. To live, and then to die, without ever leaving a mark. I can talk the talk, but my walk is the walk of shame. When the going gets tough, this toughie's a complete softy. My dreams will never materialize not because I don't possess the ability to make them happen (Not that I would know because I've always played it safe) but for the sheer lack of trying. My fear of failure and my insecurities grip me too tightly that I can't picture overcoming them. I will always be too scared to take the risk.

And I'm sick of it.

But here we are again. Tough talk is all it is. And that's all there will ever be.

-jessaminecola-