Lost

I don't know what's happening to me. I don't know who I'm turning into. When did I become this person? I'm lazy, complacent and unmotivated. I used to procrastinate, but this just ridiculous. I'm blowing important things off. I'm falling into a routine of just constant failure. It's failure after failure after failure. And I know I should be trying my hardest to turn things around but instead I preoccupy myself with anything but the things I must do.

I've lost my spiritually. I've given up every conviction I have ever had. I swear. I've drank. I've cheated. Next thing I know I'm gonna be doing drugs or something. I don't pray anymore. I don't have relationship with God anymore. I'm irritable, and mean, and hateful and ungrateful. I've become so superficial and have become obsessed with my looks.

I act terribly towards my family. I'm a burden to my friends. I'm worth walking out on.Besides, Who's to say I was ever worth keeping?

Who am I if not for the morals I kept, the standards I held, the relationships I fostered? If two years ago, you would've told me this is the person I would become, I'd have laughed. I'd have said that I'd never let go of my God. I'd have said I was passionate and driven. I'm 18 and I'm exhausted. I don't know if the path I'm on is right. I'm so scared that I'll just get fed up and give up all of a sudden someday. Someday when I've wasted so much time. I'm not cut out for this. My life has hit rock bottom. And I've no way of getting myself out.

How A Bad Day Ends - Poem

Today was terrible. And as I react to every bad day, I become a thoughtless, cranky mad man. You'll see how angry I become. You'll see how easily I lose hope. How easily I crumble to depression. The part of the poem that's full of angst, I wrote on the walk home. After I let off some steam, I get home regaining a bit of common sense. I couldn't very well let all that angry poetry go to waste,so I decided to write back to my angry self. You'll see the shift in my mood. And how uncharacteristically optimistic I become.( I swear, I'm bipolar!) And this is usually what happens when I've cooled down. I hope you enjoy it. :)

How A Bad Day Ends
By: Jessamine Cola

If I now I just stopped breathing
I’m going straight to hell
And this world will soon follow
As far as I can tell

I don’t believe in friendship
Nor in good and honest work
Love is only actual,
When it comes with mundane perks

I’ve been stripped of my morals
I’ve come to learn to hate
My body’s slowly dying
My ethereal soul mutates

My life has lost all meaning
My God has been replaced
By guises of the devil
Yet I run to them in haste

Time will wait for no one
And certainly not for me
My future’s morphing into
One colossal tragedy

I bear not the ability
To create change in my routine
The extent of my efforts
Is but a muffled scream

Eyes closed, I dive backwards
And free fall into spite
Of everything I’m doing wrong
And inability to make them right

I’m lacking in courage
I’m lacking in strength
To deny my apathy
And make concrete my intents

I live in my daydreams
For my real life, I can’t stand
If only wishes did come true
You had life at your command

But life isn’t just a slab of clay
You mould to your delight
It is the foolish man who makes
A mountain for every hill in sight

Don’t dare talk of injustice
For justice has been paid
Unless the justice that you seek
Is in a passing grade

Your faults are yours and no one else’s
So lower your pointed finger
Get mad, and shout, and swear if must
Then let no bad feeling linger

You can rant all day about people you hate
of the things you must do that you despise
But that only means, you must slave the night
For Ra’s chariot will soon cross the skies

Leave your frustrations at the tip of your pen
And drown them in the blackness of ink
Today will be one of many bad days
But good days number far more than you think

Look back when you’re older
Look back when you’re wise
Look back when you’ve found
Courage and strength in your stride

The clumsiness of your youth
Will be a thing of the past
But it’s no easy road
Get your act together, fast!

I wish you well, friend
That tomorrow will bring
A day that falls under “good”
One with a smile to share and a song to sing
So perhaps you’ll write of brighter things :)


-don't forget to leave a comment! :D-
Cheers!

-jessaminecola-

Poem :)

Forgive me for the title, for title's i cannot make. It's worse than my shallow poetry but nothing like my prose ;)

The Modern Meaning of Love
By: Jessamine Cola

Were love and friendship fleeting
Were romance tied with lust
Were lovers unbelieving
Then I should leave, I must

Were soul mates only fiction
Were courtship but a game
Were sex just an addiction
Then I should go insane

Did true love only triumph
And lovers learned to wait
Did vows retain their meaning
And trust was no debate

Had hearts been saved from breaking
Had promises been kept
“I love you,” not a saying
But meant with profound depth

I simply cannot swallow
What love has now become
We’re walking shells so hollow
I cannot stay, I’ll run

But there are those exceptions
That stop me in my step
Give hope to a revival
And take a chance , instead

This world may not be perfect
This world may be perverse
But somewhere in the hearts of men
Love was planted first

Before it was corrupted
Before its meaning bent
There was a time, it triumphed,
Perhaps, it will again

King Of Anything

Sara Bareilles - King Of Anything


Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I’d say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by

You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine
And get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction
But you’ll never see

I'm hopelessly stuck on this song. I believe it's the new breed of strong feminine music infused with a catchy mainstream melody. From the likes of Whitney Houston and Celine Deon who belted out notes that stood up to the still existing (except now we're fighting back)oppression toward women down to the timeless tunes of the Spice Girls who created a whole new image for us, and not to mention feisty girl bands like Lillix that say "we can have attitude so deal with it" .For years now, women have been able to express themselves through their music and lyrical masterpieces. Quite a long way from being damsels in distress waiting for her knight in shining armour so we could bestow our favor upon them. Maybe if guys actually took the time to read between the lines of "chick music", they'd prolly be a lot less assholes in the world. Granted most of the music I listen to are bellowed by bags of testosterone, there are just songs like these that make you think twice about the girly screams, inwardly or otherwise, we give out whenever we see a very interesting male specimen. hahaha. Most female artists sing of heart break or gooey lovey dovey feeling, not that there's anything wrong with that, because I'm truly a hopeless romantic, but finally, a song that stands up to the man in a very literal sense of the phrase.


And really, what is with men and being scared out of their wits of high powered, strong, intimidating women?

Who's the weaker specie now? :)

Cheers!

-jejecola-

it's 3AM, i must be lonely =P

I've reason to believe that my dreams have blurred with reality. My subconscious delivers far too realistic images through my unconscious mind. If I've shared with you an experience that happened in my dream that I genuinely believed to be true, then I apologize for the confusion. I think this has happened many times. I'm a liar! (Although I don't mean to be) And I only notice a few hours, or maybe days later. By then, it would be far too awkward to bring up the subject again in hopes of correcting myself and taking back my point against heaven.

I can picture it now: Amidst present conversation, I go, "hey do you remember that story I told you about blah3x last blah3x?" I will be received with a blank expression, and then a nod and smile (out of politeness), or perhaps whoever I'm talking to actually remembers but doesn't see where the conversation is going. Regardless, I will do one of two things, either I dismiss the thought altogether (definitely the easier path), or I delve into explanations that need explanations which will waste me a good few minutes. Minutes I could have spent sharing some other bizarre story, that a few hours later, will reveal itself to be a figment of my imagination.

Life Update:

I don't know what it is about the wee hours of the morning that gets me so hyped up. I have spent the last 30 minutes dancing around like a crazy person :)) I suppose it's time I get back to studying.

BIOCHEM FTW! (not.)

Cheers! (for all things true, good and beautiful)

-jessaminepcola-

Revival of the Morning Pages!

The Morning Pages – For everyone's viewing pleasure (if you even consider all this ranting pleasurable)

Life Update:

I was supposed to get up at 1 am to study. When I did, I set the alarm at 2, so I could have one more precious hour of sleep. At 2, I was in too deep a sleep to even hear the alarm. I woke up at a quarter to 7, and have been studying ever since.

Moving on...

My morning prayers have no longer been a part of my routine since... well , a long time now. In fact, just praying in general has seemed to evaporate from my life. That sounds horrible, I know. I refuse to believe that my commitment to follow God was merely a phase. But that’s what it looks like now. I want to change, I do. It seems as though there are so many things preventing me from doing so – first and foremost, the animal i have become. Hahaha. Okay, a little too much, but that’s how it feels :( I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep because for the past couple of months, that’s all I’ve been making.How do I get back to where i was before? I’ve never been so lost in my life. It’s never been so dark. I need to find Him again, if it’s the last thing i do. (What i fear is going to happen, is that an hour from now, this resolve will have been forgotten, and I’ve got this gut feeling that that’s where this is going.)

Cheers!

-jejecola-

Detachment

The human person is woven with threads of flaws. But, flawed as we are, the one thing we do possess is the great capacity to love. It is this capacity, that when requited, brings us indescribable joy that those who have felt it can say nothing but, “You’ll have to see for yourself to understand.” But as there is a tail to every head of a coin, love has proven to bring as much pain and sorrow as it does joy. Every relationship is a gamble. I’m not speaking only of romances, but in any relationship where you allow yourself to be vulnerable. Relationships wherein you allow people to be close enough to hurt you, but trust them enough not to. When you take that chance, you raise the stakes. And if lady luck is on your side, you emerge victorious. You emerge happy. But what if you lose the gamble, and you break your heart instead? It drives people insane enough never to want to do with anything of that sort again. They hide inside themselves for it’s no small feat to allow yourself to wear your heart on your sleeve, and when it is crushed, you’ve not choice but to hide. And you can’t blame them.

Detachment is easily more convenient than having a muck of personal relationships tying you down. The closer you are to someone, the more accountable you become for everything that person does. The closer you are to someone, the easier it is for them to hurt you. If that’s the case, why do we thrive on human contact? Why are we so afraid of being alone? Detachment, although lonely, is clearly the safer alternative. We do it because the pro's far outweigh con's. In your life, people will hurt you. People will walk out of your life. But the people who stay, the love they give you is more than enough to fill the holes that those who’ve hurt you have left behind. If someone thought you weren’t worth it, the people who stayed think you are. And you owe them as much.

To the people who have never given up on me, this one’s for you :)

-jejecola-

Mother Dear #1

My mom is funny without meaning to be. The things she says just crack me up.
And i'd like to preserve those things. It's a pity I didn't think of this sooner, because many a funny statement has been lost to failing memory.

JE *sigh* YOU ARE A TEXT MONSTER


perhaps it's not as funny to you, but it is to me :))

Here's one I remember from before

Je, I like your face
HAHAHA. why thankyou mum!

Outlet

Facebook has become an outlet for me to pour out my heart and soul. The problem being, it is far too public. Although i know that, it doesn't stop me from expressing my innermost feelings. So I've asked my friend to change my password in hopes of relieving me of my destructive habit. Destructive because when you share your feelings like that, i think in a sense, you're feeding it too. I've always found solace in ranting. But why rant when nobody wants to listen? Here, very few people read my blog. And so it's more of just letting it out to myself mostly.

I'll leave you here. Perhaps in the days to come, my updates will become more frequent, and made of more sensible stuff :)

Cheers!

Tagalog

I am a proud Filipino.

But goodness gracious! does the language have to be so difficult? i mean, really!
I'm doing research on "pagbasa at pagsulat sa iba't-ibang disiplina" SIGH. someone save me! :(

Sinulog!

one of the most popular, exciting, incredible, fun-filled festivals of the year!


...and i choose to stay at home, thank you very much.

This festival supposed to be in honor of the child Jesus, we so fondly call Sto. Nino. And yet, it seems that the festival has lost its meaning. Maybe not for everyone, but i don't see how getting drunk out of your mind exalts Sto. Nino in any way.

What awaits me if i enter the world of the unknown? For one thing, crowds. I cannot stand them. And crowds of people rubbing against each other bring about a certain... odor, and a nasty one at that! The putrid smell of nicotine will drive me away faster than cheetah having an adrenalin rush. (Gosh, bad metaphor, but i've no time to think right now.) As i mentioned above, drunks who have lost their mind, and that just isn't good for anybody.

Well okay, i probably shouldn't be so bitter. It is a festival after all. And i guess today i will brave the outside world a few times, just to not be anti-social, but will retreat back to my homely haven.

Hmmm... i love what this celebration stands for. We ought to give thanks to Sto. Nino for the wonders He's done for our city. I just think we should give Him due respect by not doing the things we know he'd disapprove of. Nothing is wrong with having fun. And i don't wanna come across as some sour kill - joy. (Which is difficult to do since i feel so strongly about this) It's just that, well, everything in moderation. Yes?

PIT SENIOR EVERYONE!

cheers!

-jeje cola-

Side Note

I've just realized that a folder on my desktop named "Photos" has actually, all this time, been spelled "Potos" and i just noticed after several months!

Darling, i'm a genius!

Rant-athon

I'm going to sit here and write about anything, anything at all, that comes to mind.

First thing i see is my mobile phone in front of me. Sad to say, i've become quite addicted to texting. It's not good for me. But how else am i supposed to keep in touch with my friends? College is a big bully that tore us apart :( haha

Hmmm. i haven't put anything here for so long. haha. i'd apologize but i don't think it really matters. I think the only people who are actually going to read this are jessica and jaja. haha. and they only do so because, we're blood, and therefore they have to make me feel better about myself.

How does one use the justified format here? the senteces arent in line, and it's quite distracting. i'm a bit OC. haha.

what else? do i plan to keep writing here? well, that was the reason i created this in the first place (see: First post entitled "my resolve to write daily") Perhaps i shall try.

Fine. i'll try harder. Jessica, Ja, MAKE ME WRITE! i need it. it's good for me. If the only things in my head are of cells and formulas and solutions, pretty soon i'll go stark-raving mad! MAD I TELL YOU!

i'm going to a friends birthday party tonight! YEY! but i have no idea what to get her. Gaaah. I'm also broke.


i suppose i'll end here.

must. write. better. things.

cheers!

-jeje cola-

Flood

I was asleep on the sofa when the rhythmic pitter patter of raindrops that had found their way through the window and onto my skin woke me. At once the heavens decided that thunder and lightning were just the right mix to liven up the afternoon. And so, I sat up and for a few minutes, just watched the droplets free fall from the clouds and flick the ground one millisecond at a time.

Then from the nook of my mind where I kept the memories of all those bible stories my mother read to me when I was younger, crept out a little thought. The great flood. Noah’s ark. The cleansing of the earth because, as it was phrased in that children’s story book, “men had become far too wicked.”

We all know how the story goes, but let me remind of how it ended. When Noah and his family came out of the ark and built an altar to praise God, our Lord vowed that never again would He flood the earth… which led me to wonder, what If God hadn’t promised? What if there came a time, when once again men had become far too wicked. And in God’s wise judgment, He’d choose to flood the earth again. What if that was happening right now?

Human as I am, I went right ahead and thought of who to blame. I went and searched the world for people I could label ‘wicked’. It’s those darn politicians, I thought, and their corruption and abuse of power. It’s those gangs, and cults, and secret societies bent on world domination. It’s those kinds of people who use drugs, and kill, and steal, (and litter) and do things of that sort. Then I took a step back and checked myself. I reprimanded my hypocritical self because although these people have done wrong, I am not without my share of sins. We all are not without our fair share of sins. Because if God really was flooding the earth right now, and he picked all the Noah’s of the world to keep safe from the waves and the water that would submerge even our tallest sky scrapers, I’m not certain I’d be one of them. If the world had become far too wicked, nobody would have the right to point the blame to anyone else. After all, before we find the faults in others, we must look to ourselves first. And although we’ve all heard that before, sometimes we just need a little reminder, well I know I did.

By the time I finished writing this, the rain had mellowed down. And the thunder kept to himself. And the lighting no longer sent flashes of light across the sky. Because of course, God wasn’t flooding the earth, because He did make a promise. And we’re pretty darn lucky He did.

Nanay Rosa

Yesterday afternoon, we received terrible news. The woman, who helped raise my dad in his youth, and as far as I can remember was a huge part of my childhood, passed away. And under such heart-breaking circumstances too.

I remember her strict rules about using the coaster when you set the glass on the table, or how not to leave the fridge door open too long, or how to change out of my school uniform the moment I arrived from school. And oh how I loathed those rules when I was kid. But I followed them nonetheless for she had this terrifying glare that could pierce into my soul (or at least that how it seemed like at the time). I kind of miss it now. Long after she had stopped working for us, (although she still wanted to,but it just wasn't right to let an elderly woman continue to work as house help), she was still very close to the family. Turning up on merry occasions to greet whoever a happy birthday, or to wish everyone a merry Christmas, or just to say hello and give the children she helped raise a weak, but very loving hug.

What pains me the most is that the last I saw her, she had gained weight and looked very healthy, and we were joking about not having a Christmas present for her. We of course did, and she went home smiling. It breaks my heart to recall how she smiles now because it makes me want to cry.

We aren't blood related in any way but she's grown to be part of the family way before I was even born. And what absolutely kills me now is that the cause of death (pneumonia) would have easily been prevented because it started merely with a cold. But she didn't go to our clinic because she didn't have to money to pay for the fare. Oh had we only known. Writing about her is the only way I could maybe, somehow honor her.

She was one great woman, and I will miss her.

So, I ask you, please say a little prayer for her.

Rest in Peace Nanay Rosa...

Frustrated Writer

I've come to a horrible realization.

Many times, I've opened this page in hopes of writing something new. I think of a topic I really want to write about...and I get half way through. And then, I save it as a draft. I don't know when I'll ever get around to finish them.

So, frustrated as I was looking at my long lists of drafts. Taunted by the blue button beside it that says, "edit post", I realized, when I didn't consider myself a "writer", I wrote plenty. I didn't even have to think about it and it just came out of me. Word after word, phrase after phrase, sentence after sentence, and voila! a pretty good essay or story or poem was created.

And the second I began to overthink everything. It became difficult to create anything at all. Or rather, create anything that I thought was good enough. Because I'm so wrapped around writing something "good", I stop trying altogether for fear I might not be good enough after all. That maybe I've deluded myself into thinking I had something when it came to writing. And that's just a load of...something nasty.
While part of me is sullen and sulking, the rest of me is just screaming to myself, "oh for goodness sake, GET OVER YOURSELF!" and that's just what I plan to do. Because I love to write, why should I stop myself because of some irrelevant insecurity, why should I even care for that matter if I'm good enough now. There's always room to get better. And if I don't try, I'll never get to where "better" is.
Sure, I may not be a nobel-prize winning author, and though I aspire to be, it might not even happen. But all those award-winning writers didn't get to where they are now by sitting at home wailing about how they might not be good enough.

Because, while over-confidence isn't desirable, having none is just as bad.And a writer who's afraid to write has to be a bad joke of some sort. I've found something I love to do, and I'm going to run with it.

The Things I Do At Midnight

The heroine infiltrates the enemy camp to retrieve her holy grail. All the while she is fearing, the sleeping guards may wake. And they will imprison her till the first rays of morning

translation...

I'm sneaking into my parents' room to get back my ipod which I left there. Being very careful I don't wake them for they will force me into bed, as I am not suppose to be up at this hour.

Morning Pages #4

I'm in a bit of a hurry this morning. I've a lunch to go to at 11AM. Two of my friends are holding their advanced birthday parties together. In my barkada, there are 30 of us. And, now that we've graduated, we're all bouncing out to different parts of the Philippines and some even to the world. A few of them have actually left already which really, really sucks! (How very descriptive of me! ;) )

So, although it won't be the same without them, it'll still be a lot of fun I reckon.

Now I promise to start writing better and writing more substantial stuff on here. The morning pages will still just be me ranting about what comes to mind as I sit in front of the computer though. What I mean is, perhaps, every other day, I'll post something which I will have written in my free time. Things, that I hope, will be pretty good. And make more sense. And maybe make you think. Things that inspire :) That is the dream.


Cheers!

-Jessamine Cola-

Morning Pages #3

Totally Unrelated Intro: They've given the series 'Psych' another season :) I believe they'll start filming soon. YEY for Psych fans!

I had a summer first last night. I had no trouble sleeping at all. Normally, I'd be in bed, but I'd only be able to sleep 1, sometimes even 2 hours later. Yesterday night, the second I climbed into bed, I was out like a light.

My summer days are pretty routine. I wake up at around 8-9 AM, usually use the computer till lunch time. After lunch, I read, take a break, listen to music, read again, try to write every now and then if an idea comes to mind. Then comes dinner, and I go online for a bit, and then I go watch a movie. And just before bed, I either listen to music or read some more. And it starts all over again.

Yes, my life is that boring. O_O

Sorry, I really have nothing better to write about.

Cheers!

-Jessamine Cola-

Morning Pages #2

Morning Pages at 10 30 in the evening! But I have a perfectly good excuse for my lateness. Our internet has been down all day. It came back late in the afternoon... but by that time everyone was preparing for this huge dinner celebration for a newly wed couple in our apartment.

And thus leads to my topic for morning pages this evening--marriage. I was actually a flower girl at my parents' own wedding. (NO, I am not a love child.) I was the flower girl for their 3rd wedding. They've been married 4 times in 18 years. Weird huh?

But despite the many weddings they've had, their married life isn't exactly a bed of roses. I'd know, because I have to listen to them bicker. But I guess that's all part of the whole "spending your life with one person" deal. My parents are very different people, it escapes me why they even got together in the first place. But once you consider all the broken marriages so common these days, my parents are doing a pretty good.

The newly wed couple by the way (bless them) quite differ in their ages. The wife is 9 years older than her husband. Other people react like "UNSA?!?". I've actually have never found it an issue. Expect when your talking 70 year-old's and 20 year-old's. I find that slightly creepy. Like 10, 15 years? is alright for me. If they really love each other, they could make it work. My grandfather is 10 years older than my grandmother... and I know a bunch of other couples who very much differ in age but are very happily married.

(This so does not follow that intro-body-conclusion format they wire into our brains at school) OH WELL!

So, all my best to the newly weds and always praying for the my own rents.
Cheers!

-Jessamine Cola-